Shame to me is like being marked with a stain. I’ve a dropped a giant pool of ink on my lap that bleeds when I cry – my salty tears force it to spread farther down my legs until it hits my toes and then finally the floor. It bleeds when it rains. It bleeds when ever I’m not keeping an eye on it.
Most days I’m sure I know exactly where my shame comes from. I also know that my “ink” can only be seen by me.
It’s the days that my mind cannot navigate to the root of my emotions that I do the most damage to my relationships and to myself. There was a point, actually not too long ago, when I really let myself go. Not to sound cryptic – but I was struggling to see the point of it all. My puzzle pieces weren’t fitting together: I didn’t care for my job, neglected my relationships, let my personal health fall by the wayside, and was making some pretty bad decisions. It took hitting my personal rock bottom to realize I was acting foolish and needed to make a change.
Now where to begin?
The people who I respect and love the most are forgiving and compassionate. God only knows how many mistakes I’ve made. I cherish the people who understand my mistakes don’t come from a place of negativity but rather only happen because I’m imperfect. This allows them to offer me forgiveness – no strings attached – and in essence allows them to find happiness. Cutting to the chase, I truly believe that it all has to do with accepting ourselves and in turn accepting each other. Loving, patient, forgiving, and compassionate – this is exactly how I want and NEED to be.
Acceptance – genius right?
Right now I’m slowly climbing out of a metaphorical canyon. I still have a giant pool of ink that stains my lap, after all I did just spill it sitting at the bottom of this very same canyon just a few months ago. What keeps me going is that I know, though I will be exhausted, when I get to the top of this “canyon” I will definitely be able to change my soiled clothes. Bye-bye shame.
“Life is like photography – We develop from the negatives.” - Sean McCabe