Tag Archives: friendship

Oct19

Bloody Ink

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Bloody Ink

Shame to me is like being marked with a stain.  I’ve a dropped a giant pool of ink on my lap that bleeds when I cry – my salty tears force it to spread farther down my legs until it hits my toes and then finally the floor.  It bleeds when it rains.  It bleeds when ever I’m not keeping an eye on it.

Most days I’m sure I know exactly where my shame comes from.  I also know that my “ink” can only be seen by me.

It’s the days that my mind cannot navigate to the root of my emotions that I do the most damage to my relationships and to myself.  There was a point, actually not too long ago, when I really let myself go.  Not to sound cryptic – but I was struggling to see the point of it all.  My puzzle pieces weren’t fitting together:  I didn’t care for my job, neglected my relationships, let my personal health fall by the wayside, and was making some pretty bad decisions.  It took hitting my personal rock bottom to realize I was acting foolish and needed to make a change.

Now where to begin?

The people who I respect and love the most are forgiving and compassionate.  God only knows how many mistakes I’ve made.  I cherish the people who understand my mistakes don’t come from a place of negativity but rather only happen because I’m imperfect.  This allows them to offer me forgiveness – no strings attached – and in essence allows them to find happiness.  Cutting to the chase, I truly believe that it all has to do with accepting ourselves and in turn accepting each other.  Loving, patient, forgiving, and compassionate – this is exactly how I want and NEED to be.

Acceptance – genius right?

Right now I’m slowly climbing out of a metaphorical canyon.  I still have a giant pool of ink that stains my lap, after all I did just spill it sitting at the bottom of this very same canyon just a few months ago.  What keeps me going is that I know, though I will be exhausted, when I get to the top of this “canyon” I will definitely be able to change my soiled clothes.  Bye-bye shame.

“Life is like photography – We develop from the negatives.” - Sean McCabe

Jun29
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In Girl Scouts I was taught to: “Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold”.  So, whatever happened to PLATINUM?  One thing’s for sure, old friends seem to be more precious than new ones.  They’ve been there for us, know us inside and out, and share parts of our past.  If, through hard work and a little bit of luck, a friendship is sustained over a long period of time – say years or even decades – I would dare to say these friends have EARNED “platinum status” in my book.  But inherently – like having an Amex Black card in your wallet – with power comes responsibility.

So who’s expectations are more important – yours or your friends? How about your family?  I think this really depends on where you find your sources of validation.  Personally I split up the responsibility 50/50.  I have high expectations in terms of work and health and hold myself personally accountable… but in my personal life I look to others and use their opinions and expectations to set the bar for me.  That’s normal right?  Maybe not…

As a child, my parents basis for punishment was guilt – which for the most part still works to this day.  “Jillian, I am so disappointed in you…” was probably the worst thing I could ever hear.  I think this probably just rolled over into my friendships.  I’m happy when you’re happy.  I want to make you laugh and smile, feed you and comfort you, and help you find what you need.  Usually I find what I need and want through helping my friends.  This probably has gone to an extreme (and I do realize this) knowing that I don’t even cook dinner for myself unless there’s another mouth to feed along with me.  When YOU’RE there – bring on the 3 course meal!

So what does it mean when other people have high expectations for you – or maybe that they don’t?  Even more than that… what happens when you let someone down?  I put a good deal of effort into personal extension.  By this I mean, I try to put my best foot forward and give 100% everyday – but let’s be honest, I am (like everyone else)  a human being.  I can be lazy and I can sometimes be selfish.  Baring your soul is scary business.  What if I give 100 and you give me 60, then only for you to decide I’m not good enough?  All this effort can also be emotionally and physically exhausting.  To add insult to injury, what if you suddenly lost your platinum status?

In my experience, love and time have a funny relationship.  An actual physical injury is painful of course, but fleeting.  You know it will go away: broken leg – 6 to 8 weeks and you are good to go.  On the other hand – when someone crushes you, breaks your heart, shreds your metaphorical Amex Black card – you don’t know when or if it will ever stop hurting.  When it comes to love, time seems to actually slow down – drawing out your agony.  To clarify – I mean to be in love or just love – it doesn’t matter, it hurts just as much.

So the point here is that if you have earned your way into someone’s heart, don’t abuse that power.  Relationships of any kind require commitment, hard work, and loyalty.  Please, PLEASE, please, never forget how much weight your words carry.  Think before you speak, and mean what you say.  

I promise to do the same – Girl Scout’s Honor.

 

Girl Scouts… with Platinum Credit Cards?

Apr23

Set The World on Fire

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So just a quickie – because we all know they are great.  I don’t know when it started – the bad habits, fear, living irrationally.  However I am pledging to make this quarter more successful than the last.

25-125-9-5 & ‘Tine free.  Maybe I should play the lotto?  I’m so close yet so far – but never so far that I know I won’t get there.

Now for the meat and potatoes…

After a quick yet meaningful talk with an old friend not too long ago – I feel that things were not only put back into perspective, but that I got a the little push that I needed (some friendly motivation).  We spoke about our history, our favorite moments that will “bond” us for life, and the reasons that I truly love and admire him as a person.  It was interesting to talk about our favorite times because they were different for each of us.  My friend’s favorite moment really pointed out to me how important it is to reach out.  There have been many times in my life that I have thought about my friends and family but kept it to myself – how much I loved them and missed them.  If you’re thinking about someone, just tell them.  It seems so simple – so why sometimes is it SO hard?  And it may make a difference in someone’s life; you never know.  I know that there have been times that I really wished someone had reached out to me and hadn’t; and conversely people have surprised me with their kindness.  I wish to be the latter.

Be thoughtful.

Be kind.

Reach out.

As for my favorite moment – a bit more lighthearted, and from way back when we were crazy kids.  A true test of friendship, something that was embarrassing in the moment but that you move past and laugh at when you get older.  I love him for that.  I will also take it to the grave (this is because I actually do love you).

Finally, we talked about living without regrets.  I don’t want to look back at my life and say I never did “XXX” because I was too scared.  I told him that I was envious and so proud of him for his cross country move.  This is something that I always wanted to do (still want to do) – but continue to chicken out of.  How will I finance it?  I will need to find a job first.  How will I move my things?  I won’t know anyone… how will I manage?  There are a million reasons not to but a million a one that are pushing me forward.  I don’t want any regrets.

So, putting this new motivation into action, I have decided that I can no longer take certain parts of my life for granted.  I must push forward with full force.  And finally, once again – make this quarter the best of all… absolutely no regrets.

“Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.”  Philippians 3:13-15 (ESV)