My whopper of a dream last night prompted a thorough investigation of “the meaning of dreams”.  I have always known that dreams had something to do with your subconscious.

On an average night I dream about my what I had done that previous day or what’s up next tomorrow.  What did I do?  What should I have done?  What am I going to be doing?  What should I do?  I pretty much live every day twice.

Last night, was not an average night.  I like out-of-the-norm dreams because I think they have more value.  I keep a notepad near my bed so I can jot down significant details as soon as I wake up (this is key).  Within 10-15 minutes of being awake 90% of my dream has faded away – and I will never get it back.  Do you wonder where those thoughts go.  If you could visualize those memories leaving your mind, what would that look like?  Would they float?  Would it be a vapor-like mist similar to a cloud?  I wonder if the memory of a dream has a color…  Anyway, I digress.

I dreamt that I found a little girl.  She was scared, lost, and needed my help.  She was maybe one year old, had blonde hair and green eyes.  There was something different about her though – she was a ghost.  I held her and she felt cold.  Holding her body against me, I began to shiver – but I continued to carry her because I had to find where she belonged.  Throughout my dream I kept searching and the little girl wept until she was so exhausted she fell asleep.  When she stopped crying I tipped her body forward to see her face and make sure she was okay – and sure enough her eyes were gently closed.  I woke up.

I usually forget my dreams right away, but I can’t stop thinking about the little girl who haunted me in the night.  Will I see her again?  Did she really need help?  What was I supposed to learn from her?

I feel my next book coming on.  Thank you my angel.

I rolled into my apartment around 1:30AM on Saturday – with my best friend in tow.  So much for “1″ drink… tag a “0″ onto the end of that “1-” and then we’re in the ballpark.

Our “girls night” was long overdue and I couldn’t have been happier to spend a few hours out with my best gal.  We had a textbook J&M night: one dressed up, one down, one played good cop, one bad, one nice, one naughty…  We met Ben Affleck and Chris Angel (celeb-look-a-likes, real names have been changed for safety).  My sincere dis-interest for the situation apparently made me very appealing and an excellent wing girl.

Fast forward 8 hours later…

The morning after (OH…the morning after) was not so great.  I woke up in bed alone – my blankets were all on the floor.  Wondering where everyone was, and feeling a slight panic, I rolled off the bed onto the floor.  THUD.  My body was dead weight, and I knew my neighbors didn’t appreciate it.

OK.  I was up.  

I went out into the living room and there they were.  My best friend and my dog.  I had apparently kicked them out of my room (kind of funny but kind of not funny at the same time).  I kick everyone out when I’ve been drinking.  Rude I know.

Then – I see the kitchen.  We had initially only planned on one drink so we hadn’t eaten dinner before we headed out the night before.  In a starving frenzy, apparently the best snack I could come up with at 1:30AM was chopping up mass quantities of green bell pepper.

Really… Green bell pepper?

There was green bell pepper all over my kitchen.

Deciding to momentarily look past the peppers… my girl and I sat down on the couch and reviewed the night.  After comparing notes (and scanning our phones for incriminating evidence on our call and text logs) – we pieced things together.

-Cue me placing pillow over my head to begin suffocation process-

THE HIGHLIGHTS:

Laughs: Lots

Broken hearts: Check

Phone numbers exchanged: 2

Pepper casualties: 3

Unrequited love: Abundant

I’ve been judged many times for my near (emphasis on NEAR) inability to be alone.  Admittedly I do breakdown, and have made some mistakes – but only because what I’ve come to realize is I’m functioning at a lower level. When I’m with someone, or other people in general, I feel more whole.  It’s not that I CAN’T – I don’t WANT to.

My apartment is a reflection of this and my mental state in general.  This past Saturday I dreaded getting out of bed.  I knew I had to clean house.  Nothing seemed to be in order.  My sheets needed to be changed, I had to do laundry, wash the dishes… and the list went on.  When things get this out of control I usually start in my kitchen (which is all the way at one end of my apartment) and just systematically work my way to the other end.

So, reluctantly, I peeled my body out of bed – not a pretty sight – and made my way over to the kitchen.  My stomach was growling like a tiger.  Opening the refrigerator I appreciated the cool air that poured out over my skin.  It was hot already and my place was stuffy.  I scanned for a yogurt but to no avail.  I hadn’t been to the grocery store in at least a week.  Now that I was thinking about it I probably had only eaten 2 out of the last 5 days.  What the heck was I doing?

Still staring into the fridge hoping by some miracle that something appetizing would magically appear, I noticed it still looked packed – but HOW?  It hit me.  I was so SICK of my fridge being “full” of 101 condiments but not having one thing that I would actually eat.

The purging began.

Goodbye sugar-free ketchup, you are gross and I won’t miss you when you’re gone.

Sayonara 6 month old stir-fry sauce.  I don’t stir or fry alone…it’s hazardous to my health.

Auf Wiedersehen baby carrots that are now producing other…new…weird little carrots… I know you aren’t a sauce, but your yucky.  37 other items hit the bricks.  So now what?  I really needed to pick up a few things but I HAD to eat first.

After cancelling plans with my best friend only to find myself sitting on my couch with my dog eating a bag of defrosted peas watching “When A Man Loves A Woman”  (TIP – NEVER DO THIS) I knew I had to pull myself together.

This was a situation not even going to the grocery store could fix.  It was time for Costco.

Costco, Costco, Costco… What do I think of you?  Cue the legendary quote…

Norman: Got tons of it at Costco. You see, I’ve got an exclusive membership card. And with that card, I get access to the whole place. I can buy large quantities of anything at discount prices.

Allison: Can’t anyone get one of those cards?

Norman: No, don’t think so. But I can talk to someone, if you’d like.

Carl: Yeah, put in a good word for us. That would be great.

–Yes Man.

What I love about Costco, besides the discount prices of course, is that you can pretty much sample your way into a food coma.  The Costco nearest my apartment is at 116th Street on the UPPER east side in Manhattan.  It’s considered Harlem, and though the area is in the midst of heavy gentrification, I’ve been asked to hand over my economy sized ketchup when walking back to the subway (and felt guilty for not wanting to give it away).  Costco has also taught me a lot about myself as a person.  What do I need?  What do I want?  And how do I recognize the difference?

This seems pretty existential for wholesale shopping – but hear me out.  When I go to Costco or any other store I make a list.  Napkins, hot sauce, bottled water, economy sized jar of capers… you see where I’m going with this.  But then I walk through the automatic double doors and like most any woman, I go into shopping overdrive.  Dried fruit is on sale – buy one get one free.  Two sets of 800 thread count sheets for $60 – um, what? Think… THINK - Do I want or need these?

DROP THOSE SHEETS!

How about an economy sized box of Trojans?  A young woman actually bumped my shopping cart out of the way to grab her box.  Was it my imagination or was she running?  Was she in an economy sized emergency?  I have definitely been watching too many movies – but then again maybe she did NEED them.  What do I want?  What do I need?

I pause with my cart and remember that I have to carry everything back to my apartment by myself – not easy.  I put back everything but the essentials and buy yogurt, Clorox wipes, Frank’s Red Hot, capers and garlic – not bad!  I walked up to the check out line and pulled out my exclusive membership card.

The Trojan girl was 3 people ahead of me, she also bought socks… I guess everybody needs something a little different.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Aries – The Ram

“Someone needs your forgiveness.  This person has needed your forgiveness for a while now.  But you are stubborn Aries, and forgiveness doesn’t come easily to you.  Too often you hold the power of forgiveness over someone’s head as a way of exerting control, or you deny it to protect yourself from being vulnerable.  But what it really is for you is a key… a key that opens the door to freedom.  When you are angry and wounded and unforgiving, you are the one that suffers.  When you forgive, you are free.”

After much deliberation, I, and countless others have decided that this particular horoscope app does in fact know a thing or two.  I reference it daily – yes, we all know I have my quarks by now – and it beats me over the head with accuracy.

I am, at this very moment, struggling with forgiveness.  I do use anger as well as being “wounded” as a defense mechanism.  This is not a totally new revelation, however the extent to which it effects my life has recently come to the forefront.  Just yesterday on the phone with one of my dearest friends, I discussed at length how defense mechanisms have ruined some of our relationships.  Between the two of us, we noticed two specific patterns.

First, there is what I will refer to as my friend’s style – the “accept me the way I am” approach.  We laughed for quite some time over this.  It’s true – in a relationship someone should accept you and appreciate you for who you are.  The problem here is, when you’re getting to know a new person there’s always going to be an adjustment period.  You’re both great… but you need to get used to each other and this takes a little patience (or at least understanding)!  I talk a lot about 50/50 participation in relationships.  In this approach, one person is expecting to be accepted as is.  “If you like me enough, you’ll accept me just the way I am.”  Meanwhile, that very person is USUALLY quite cut throat with their own judgements.  They know (or at least think they know) exactly what they do and do not want… one wrong thing from this new partner and it’s on to the next one.  So can see how the relationship is already a little off-balance?

Second, there is an approach for which I am guilty – “confess everything and amplify all your faults.”  Everyone knows you should try to put your best foot forward…right?  Especially when you are meeting new people.  Not me!  My most infamous line: “I’m crazy!”  It’s been suggested that I try to scare people off subconsciously.  In my mind, only the strongest will survive “Hurricane Jill”, and those left standing are the people who I SHOULD want around anyway.  Well, this isn’t necessarily true or fair.  I’ve come to realize, I actually don’t have any more baggage or personal issues than the next person.  So why should they have to withstand my abuse?  When meeting someone new, they may not realize there may actually be a calm after the storm, or care to wait for it, and in the end - I’m the one missing out. 

Admitting our faults, whether they are situational OR personality flaws, can be a monumental task.  It isn’t until you take a good look at yourself, realize and admit your faults that you can even begin to address them and move forward.  For now, I choose to forgive myself first.  Like my horoscope said – I’ve been waiting for a while.  Hopefully the rest will be smooth sailing.

When do you do the most introspection?  Most of my friends come to me for extremes (which makes me think many things about myself!)

1. Advice
2. A crazy good time (which we will probably not remember)

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with you – each and every crazy one of you.  BUT, my absolute favorite thing is trading secrets!  What should we do?  What would you do?  What should I do?  That is MY favorite!

I love you for THAT!  To me that means you care.  I love fresh white snow, because it’s beautiful… but afterward when the cars and trucks have driven over it… again and again… and tainted it brown… that’s when it’s my favorite.  Call me crazy but that’s what’s beautiful.  (Hint…totally different than EATING yellow snow… pervs.)  In all reality we are like that dirty snow.  Our clothes have tears, our skin has scars and so do our souls.  I want nothing more than to be the patches on your jeans – if, that is – you would let me.  So why is it that we hide our imperfections and insecurities but struggle to let someone else be our binding force?  Pride.  Fear.  The last time.

I don’t mean anything by my desire for closeness other than just wanting to know more.  It makes me whole.  I want to know you.  I have NO intent to harm, but this is MY weakness.  So how could a good thing be so bad?  When it comes to relationships of any kind – there’s a certain amount of investment that’s inherent.  Commitment and loyalty are unspoken but expected.  After nearly 8 years of investment and no return, my heart (that’s desperate to be near all of YOU), has begun to build a barrier.  Let’s describe this barrier as the Great Wall of China – Part II.  It’s hard to fight for what you want over a wall like that!

After a couple crazy weeks and one really messy holiday I reached out to one of my best friends for some much-needed advice.  What should we do?  What would you do?  What should I do?  He put everything into focus.

Aren’t we all just beating around the bush anyway?  When you want it, it will happen.  When it’s 50/50, you believe what’s spoken – no questions asked, and when the effort is there.  “You’ll know.  And you deserve it.”  I think he’s right, not just for me – but for everyone.  It should be easy.  Reading the paper in silence will be okay.  Resting my head on your chest will feel good.  You’ll like watching me leave the room because you’ll be thinking about the next time I’m coming back.

I’m willing to break down enough of my wall to fight for the way I should be treated – I am enough. 

…and so are you. 

“Brick by brick we can build it from the floor

If we hold onto each other we’ll be better than before

And brick by brick we’ll get back to yesterday

When I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away” –Train

On the Fourth of July I found myself standing in a parking lot.  Waiting.  It was hot, and I was outside making sure that my dog’s okay, while the beverages for the night were being purchased at a liquor store in the middle-of-nowhere Maryland.  Bending over pouring Smart Water onto the pavement while my pooch licked at the stream before it hit the ground, I heard voices approaching behind me.  A group of strange men…MY FAVORITE!  (This is pure sarcasm.)

I stood up and closed the water bottle as the group walked closer.  There were three of them – all heading for the liquor store I was waiting outside of.  When they were within earshot I began to hear their comments but tried my hardest to block them out.  Immediately I thought back to less than a week earlier.

I had a conversation with a friend who admittedly judged me because of the way other people spoke about me (“other people” being this exact type of lude men)  This particular person and I had not started out on the best foot and was inside the liquor store.

One of the lude men went inside and the two remaining perched on a guard rail directly behind me.  I kept my back turned but my stomach sank to my feet.  This is what my life is like.  Honestly that’s how I felt.  Honestly I could careless about what the stupid men outside the store said.  You will never change them.  It’s what my friends thought.  Am I not good enough?

When my friend returned, immediately I made a joke of it, but the salt was still in the wound.  Sweep that dust back up under the carpet – damn it! 

The rest of the holiday was filled with a lot of music, eating, drinking, jokes, and over-sharing.  Why over-shares?  One of my favorite games to play is the question game – it’s like the adult version of truth of dare.  This is not to say I would EVER turn down a good dare, but I digress…  One of my favorite questions to ask is:

If you could have ANY super power, what would it be?  And why?

I’ve heard the gamut, but my favorite answers and what I would choose would be one of two – Teleporting or Mind Reading. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to know if someone was telling you the truth?  This is probably even better than knowing what they’re thinking.

“I will never hurt you.”  LIE.

“I’m being sincere.”  LIE.

Maybe we could invent a device to do that for us!  Wouldn’t it be nice?  A lie detector!  How much would you pay for one of those?  What if it would save you money?

“Sell all your stock in Apple – I just got a tip, trust me…”  LIE.

Man oh, man -  what we wouldn’t give…  Of course there is always a downside.  Like being famous and reading the tabloids on steroids, you’d hear every negative thing coming your way.  You’d hear every negative thing period.  That is one heavy load.

“I’m going to rob that bank.”  TRUTH.

“I’m going to jump off that bridge”  TRUTH.

Could you take the heat?

OR

How about Teleporting?  This, to me, is the least selfish superpower - and one of the most amazing.  You can be with who you want, where you want, when you want.  Also, you can go to who wants you, when they want you, where they want you.  Commute time – zero.  So what’s the trade-off?  What if the public finds you out?  Will you be judged or abused?  Most likely.

As a writer, I’m constantly thinking.  I’m think now, I’ll think later, and then think some more later.  In all reality, I would probably choose mind reading.  I struggle to trust.  What did you say, what did you mean, and what’s the difference between the two?  These are questions I will probably ask my whole life.  If I could rein my own personal lie detector would it squander my fear?  I’ll never know, but I can think about it!

For now, I’ll have to try to take your word for it (scream Holy Guacamole! in my head) and pray you don’t hurt me.  Can you take the heat?

Let’s try together.