Friday, July 20, 2012

Aries – The Ram

“Someone needs your forgiveness.  This person has needed your forgiveness for a while now.  But you are stubborn Aries, and forgiveness doesn’t come easily to you.  Too often you hold the power of forgiveness over someone’s head as a way of exerting control, or you deny it to protect yourself from being vulnerable.  But what it really is for you is a key… a key that opens the door to freedom.  When you are angry and wounded and unforgiving, you are the one that suffers.  When you forgive, you are free.”

After much deliberation, I, and countless others have decided that this particular horoscope app does in fact know a thing or two.  I reference it daily – yes, we all know I have my quarks by now – and it beats me over the head with accuracy.

I am, at this very moment, struggling with forgiveness.  I do use anger as well as being “wounded” as a defense mechanism.  This is not a totally new revelation, however the extent to which it effects my life has recently come to the forefront.  Just yesterday on the phone with one of my dearest friends, I discussed at length how defense mechanisms have ruined some of our relationships.  Between the two of us, we noticed two specific patterns.

First, there is what I will refer to as my friend’s style – the “accept me the way I am” approach.  We laughed for quite some time over this.  It’s true – in a relationship someone should accept you and appreciate you for who you are.  The problem here is, when you’re getting to know a new person there’s always going to be an adjustment period.  You’re both great… but you need to get used to each other and this takes a little patience (or at least understanding)!  I talk a lot about 50/50 participation in relationships.  In this approach, one person is expecting to be accepted as is.  “If you like me enough, you’ll accept me just the way I am.”  Meanwhile, that very person is USUALLY quite cut throat with their own judgements.  They know (or at least think they know) exactly what they do and do not want… one wrong thing from this new partner and it’s on to the next one.  So can see how the relationship is already a little off-balance?

Second, there is an approach for which I am guilty – “confess everything and amplify all your faults.”  Everyone knows you should try to put your best foot forward…right?  Especially when you are meeting new people.  Not me!  My most infamous line: “I’m crazy!”  It’s been suggested that I try to scare people off subconsciously.  In my mind, only the strongest will survive “Hurricane Jill”, and those left standing are the people who I SHOULD want around anyway.  Well, this isn’t necessarily true or fair.  I’ve come to realize, I actually don’t have any more baggage or personal issues than the next person.  So why should they have to withstand my abuse?  When meeting someone new, they may not realize there may actually be a calm after the storm, or care to wait for it, and in the end - I’m the one missing out. 

Admitting our faults, whether they are situational OR personality flaws, can be a monumental task.  It isn’t until you take a good look at yourself, realize and admit your faults that you can even begin to address them and move forward.  For now, I choose to forgive myself first.  Like my horoscope said – I’ve been waiting for a while.  Hopefully the rest will be smooth sailing.