Friday, July 20, 2012

Aries – The Ram

“Someone needs your forgiveness.  This person has needed your forgiveness for a while now.  But you are stubborn Aries, and forgiveness doesn’t come easily to you.  Too often you hold the power of forgiveness over someone’s head as a way of exerting control, or you deny it to protect yourself from being vulnerable.  But what it really is for you is a key… a key that opens the door to freedom.  When you are angry and wounded and unforgiving, you are the one that suffers.  When you forgive, you are free.”

After much deliberation, I, and countless others have decided that this particular horoscope app does in fact know a thing or two.  I reference it daily – yes, we all know I have my quarks by now – and it beats me over the head with accuracy.

I am, at this very moment, struggling with forgiveness.  I do use anger as well as being “wounded” as a defense mechanism.  This is not a totally new revelation, however the extent to which it effects my life has recently come to the forefront.  Just yesterday on the phone with one of my dearest friends, I discussed at length how defense mechanisms have ruined some of our relationships.  Between the two of us, we noticed two specific patterns.

First, there is what I will refer to as my friend’s style – the “accept me the way I am” approach.  We laughed for quite some time over this.  It’s true – in a relationship someone should accept you and appreciate you for who you are.  The problem here is, when you’re getting to know a new person there’s always going to be an adjustment period.  You’re both great… but you need to get used to each other and this takes a little patience (or at least understanding)!  I talk a lot about 50/50 participation in relationships.  In this approach, one person is expecting to be accepted as is.  “If you like me enough, you’ll accept me just the way I am.”  Meanwhile, that very person is USUALLY quite cut throat with their own judgements.  They know (or at least think they know) exactly what they do and do not want… one wrong thing from this new partner and it’s on to the next one.  So can see how the relationship is already a little off-balance?

Second, there is an approach for which I am guilty – “confess everything and amplify all your faults.”  Everyone knows you should try to put your best foot forward…right?  Especially when you are meeting new people.  Not me!  My most infamous line: “I’m crazy!”  It’s been suggested that I try to scare people off subconsciously.  In my mind, only the strongest will survive “Hurricane Jill”, and those left standing are the people who I SHOULD want around anyway.  Well, this isn’t necessarily true or fair.  I’ve come to realize, I actually don’t have any more baggage or personal issues than the next person.  So why should they have to withstand my abuse?  When meeting someone new, they may not realize there may actually be a calm after the storm, or care to wait for it, and in the end - I’m the one missing out. 

Admitting our faults, whether they are situational OR personality flaws, can be a monumental task.  It isn’t until you take a good look at yourself, realize and admit your faults that you can even begin to address them and move forward.  For now, I choose to forgive myself first.  Like my horoscope said – I’ve been waiting for a while.  Hopefully the rest will be smooth sailing.

When do you do the most introspection?  Most of my friends come to me for extremes (which makes me think many things about myself!)

1. Advice
2. A crazy good time (which we will probably not remember)

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with you – each and every crazy one of you.  BUT, my absolute favorite thing is trading secrets!  What should we do?  What would you do?  What should I do?  That is MY favorite!

I love you for THAT!  To me that means you care.  I love fresh white snow, because it’s beautiful… but afterward when the cars and trucks have driven over it… again and again… and tainted it brown… that’s when it’s my favorite.  Call me crazy but that’s what’s beautiful.  (Hint…totally different than EATING yellow snow… pervs.)  In all reality we are like that dirty snow.  Our clothes have tears, our skin has scars and so do our souls.  I want nothing more than to be the patches on your jeans – if, that is – you would let me.  So why is it that we hide our imperfections and insecurities but struggle to let someone else be our binding force?  Pride.  Fear.  The last time.

I don’t mean anything by my desire for closeness other than just wanting to know more.  It makes me whole.  I want to know you.  I have NO intent to harm, but this is MY weakness.  So how could a good thing be so bad?  When it comes to relationships of any kind – there’s a certain amount of investment that’s inherent.  Commitment and loyalty are unspoken but expected.  After nearly 8 years of investment and no return, my heart (that’s desperate to be near all of YOU), has begun to build a barrier.  Let’s describe this barrier as the Great Wall of China – Part II.  It’s hard to fight for what you want over a wall like that!

After a couple crazy weeks and one really messy holiday I reached out to one of my best friends for some much-needed advice.  What should we do?  What would you do?  What should I do?  He put everything into focus.

Aren’t we all just beating around the bush anyway?  When you want it, it will happen.  When it’s 50/50, you believe what’s spoken – no questions asked, and when the effort is there.  “You’ll know.  And you deserve it.”  I think he’s right, not just for me – but for everyone.  It should be easy.  Reading the paper in silence will be okay.  Resting my head on your chest will feel good.  You’ll like watching me leave the room because you’ll be thinking about the next time I’m coming back.

I’m willing to break down enough of my wall to fight for the way I should be treated – I am enough. 

…and so are you. 

“Brick by brick we can build it from the floor

If we hold onto each other we’ll be better than before

And brick by brick we’ll get back to yesterday

When I made your body shiver and when you took my breath away” –Train

On the Fourth of July I found myself standing in a parking lot.  Waiting.  It was hot, and I was outside making sure that my dog’s okay, while the beverages for the night were being purchased at a liquor store in the middle-of-nowhere Maryland.  Bending over pouring Smart Water onto the pavement while my pooch licked at the stream before it hit the ground, I heard voices approaching behind me.  A group of strange men…MY FAVORITE!  (This is pure sarcasm.)

I stood up and closed the water bottle as the group walked closer.  There were three of them – all heading for the liquor store I was waiting outside of.  When they were within earshot I began to hear their comments but tried my hardest to block them out.  Immediately I thought back to less than a week earlier.

I had a conversation with a friend who admittedly judged me because of the way other people spoke about me (“other people” being this exact type of lude men)  This particular person and I had not started out on the best foot and was inside the liquor store.

One of the lude men went inside and the two remaining perched on a guard rail directly behind me.  I kept my back turned but my stomach sank to my feet.  This is what my life is like.  Honestly that’s how I felt.  Honestly I could careless about what the stupid men outside the store said.  You will never change them.  It’s what my friends thought.  Am I not good enough?

When my friend returned, immediately I made a joke of it, but the salt was still in the wound.  Sweep that dust back up under the carpet – damn it! 

The rest of the holiday was filled with a lot of music, eating, drinking, jokes, and over-sharing.  Why over-shares?  One of my favorite games to play is the question game – it’s like the adult version of truth of dare.  This is not to say I would EVER turn down a good dare, but I digress…  One of my favorite questions to ask is:

If you could have ANY super power, what would it be?  And why?

I’ve heard the gamut, but my favorite answers and what I would choose would be one of two – Teleporting or Mind Reading. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to know if someone was telling you the truth?  This is probably even better than knowing what they’re thinking.

“I will never hurt you.”  LIE.

“I’m being sincere.”  LIE.

Maybe we could invent a device to do that for us!  Wouldn’t it be nice?  A lie detector!  How much would you pay for one of those?  What if it would save you money?

“Sell all your stock in Apple – I just got a tip, trust me…”  LIE.

Man oh, man -  what we wouldn’t give…  Of course there is always a downside.  Like being famous and reading the tabloids on steroids, you’d hear every negative thing coming your way.  You’d hear every negative thing period.  That is one heavy load.

“I’m going to rob that bank.”  TRUTH.

“I’m going to jump off that bridge”  TRUTH.

Could you take the heat?

OR

How about Teleporting?  This, to me, is the least selfish superpower - and one of the most amazing.  You can be with who you want, where you want, when you want.  Also, you can go to who wants you, when they want you, where they want you.  Commute time – zero.  So what’s the trade-off?  What if the public finds you out?  Will you be judged or abused?  Most likely.

As a writer, I’m constantly thinking.  I’m think now, I’ll think later, and then think some more later.  In all reality, I would probably choose mind reading.  I struggle to trust.  What did you say, what did you mean, and what’s the difference between the two?  These are questions I will probably ask my whole life.  If I could rein my own personal lie detector would it squander my fear?  I’ll never know, but I can think about it!

For now, I’ll have to try to take your word for it (scream Holy Guacamole! in my head) and pray you don’t hurt me.  Can you take the heat?

Let’s try together.

 

When you travel you are usually allowed one checked bag, one small carry-on and one personal item – if you’re lucky.  After decades of personal experience, I have so much baggage I can hardly walk down the street – will they let me on the plane, or better yet will I even make it through security?  Try as we may to unpack these bags, it seems to prove a daunting task.

Family suitcase – definitely not a carry-on.  There goes an extra $25 down the drain.

Okay okay, I will stop with the analogies.  Why is it that we smile when we talk about old wounds?  “It’s ok, I’m not mad anymore.  It’s okay, I’m not sad anymore…”  We’re coping.  Everyday.  We’re getting by.  We having to live with OURSELVES.

Sometimes I cringe, literally, when people ask me about my family.  I feel less appealing when my history is transparent.  We strive to be the total package and I want the total package.  I want someone who loves their family – good and bad, thick and thin.  But do I offer the same?  Probably not.  All I can offer is the hope I can do better the next time around.  Don’t get me wrong, I do LOVE my family - well most of them!  I think we all work with what we have, but then again, some were dealt a better hand than others.  What I’m trying to say is, I wish I was still left with my original playing cards.  More than that – I wish those cards had wanted to stick the game out with ME.   Talk about deep-rooted self-doubt!

Life is scary, and it’s dark.  Life is taken away too soon, and some choose to give it away.  As a witness to both situations, I have questioned Him. What is the meaning?  Does He exist?  I was raised to think so, but then again – there are times where you really begin to question “the plan”.  The struggle to find that meaning ruins relationships and tears down even the strongest spirit. 

Through all of this I’ve learned two things about the relationship between people AND the relationship with yourself.  First, those heavy bags go wherever you go.  They’re like a shadow, sure to follow.  You can run, you can hide… you can smile… they’re still going to be there.  Secondly, sooner or later, like laundry day (that I K N O W you all hate) you will have to face it, unpack, and deal.

My current coping mechanism – airing out my laundry up front.  Total honesty.  If you aren’t scared, I like you.  That means you probably have your grown up panties on.  I LIKE GROWN UP PANTIES.  Now you just have to get rid of me.  Final boarding call – and I’m already buckled in, phone = airplane mode.   :)