Monthly Archives: June 2012

Jun29
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In Girl Scouts I was taught to: “Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold”.  So, whatever happened to PLATINUM?  One thing’s for sure, old friends seem to be more precious than new ones.  They’ve been there for us, know us inside and out, and share parts of our past.  If, through hard work and a little bit of luck, a friendship is sustained over a long period of time – say years or even decades – I would dare to say these friends have EARNED “platinum status” in my book.  But inherently – like having an Amex Black card in your wallet – with power comes responsibility.

So who’s expectations are more important – yours or your friends? How about your family?  I think this really depends on where you find your sources of validation.  Personally I split up the responsibility 50/50.  I have high expectations in terms of work and health and hold myself personally accountable… but in my personal life I look to others and use their opinions and expectations to set the bar for me.  That’s normal right?  Maybe not…

As a child, my parents basis for punishment was guilt – which for the most part still works to this day.  “Jillian, I am so disappointed in you…” was probably the worst thing I could ever hear.  I think this probably just rolled over into my friendships.  I’m happy when you’re happy.  I want to make you laugh and smile, feed you and comfort you, and help you find what you need.  Usually I find what I need and want through helping my friends.  This probably has gone to an extreme (and I do realize this) knowing that I don’t even cook dinner for myself unless there’s another mouth to feed along with me.  When YOU’RE there – bring on the 3 course meal!

So what does it mean when other people have high expectations for you – or maybe that they don’t?  Even more than that… what happens when you let someone down?  I put a good deal of effort into personal extension.  By this I mean, I try to put my best foot forward and give 100% everyday – but let’s be honest, I am (like everyone else)  a human being.  I can be lazy and I can sometimes be selfish.  Baring your soul is scary business.  What if I give 100 and you give me 60, then only for you to decide I’m not good enough?  All this effort can also be emotionally and physically exhausting.  To add insult to injury, what if you suddenly lost your platinum status?

In my experience, love and time have a funny relationship.  An actual physical injury is painful of course, but fleeting.  You know it will go away: broken leg – 6 to 8 weeks and you are good to go.  On the other hand – when someone crushes you, breaks your heart, shreds your metaphorical Amex Black card – you don’t know when or if it will ever stop hurting.  When it comes to love, time seems to actually slow down – drawing out your agony.  To clarify – I mean to be in love or just love – it doesn’t matter, it hurts just as much.

So the point here is that if you have earned your way into someone’s heart, don’t abuse that power.  Relationships of any kind require commitment, hard work, and loyalty.  Please, PLEASE, please, never forget how much weight your words carry.  Think before you speak, and mean what you say.  

I promise to do the same – Girl Scout’s Honor.

 

Girl Scouts… with Platinum Credit Cards?

Jun27
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I can’t remember most of my dreams after I wake up.  The ones that do stick with me are generally lost five minutes into the morning, so this is why I sleep with a journal next to my bed.  If I have a great dream I try to jot down as many details as possible as soon as I open my eyes.  Who was there, what happened, what was I feeling?  Now I’m not saying this is easy.  I also LOVE to sleep and I’m notorious for hitting the snooze button (I’ll feel rested if I get just five more minutes!).  Snoozing makes me run late, and then I have to throw on my “back-up outfit” and dash out the door.  With all of this said, great dreams, the idea of writing about them, and knowing that I won’t have to power-walk to the train is usually motivation enough to get me up on time.

Not too long ago I had a dream about my grandfather who passed away in December of 2008.  I dream about him a lot… most likely because I feel guilty I wasn’t able to be with him at the time of his death.  In this dream, I was back in Australia and he had called me on the phone asking me to come home so I could be with him.  We talked for a while and suddenly the phone went silent – I knew he was gone.

I wept in my dream.  Waking slowly I realized that I was actually crying in my sleep.  My pillowcase was wet and I had tears running down my face.  I felt heavier than usual all morning.  I stopped at Starbucks along the way to order my usual, venti black iced coffee (only to be followed by at least 3 or 4 more venti refills throughout the day).  My clothes felt tight and my walk to the train felt twice as long.  Every footstep reverberated through my entire body and my heart was pounding in my ears.  Admittedly, I consume more than the average amount of caffeine, which may contribute to the fast typing and occasional jitters, however this day was different.

I seem to have an amplified sense of emotion.  I feel and experience things deeply.  This is to say, when I’m sad I’m very sad, but when I’m happy I’m very, very happy.  This is something that I used to see as a flaw but now view as an asset.  How could passion and love that comes in abundance be a bad thing?  I joke that this is why I could never leave the northeast – I need to experience all four seasons in their entirety – not just one.

As for my grandfather…

After his passing, my grandmother swears that he stayed with her (actually stayed!) in many different ways.  She said that he came to her in her dreams too.  That he was with her around their house.  Even their dog Missy sensed his presence and would stand barking near their empty bedroom.   But was he really there?

Did he really call me in my dream or are we all just struggling to move on?  Depending on the day, my thoughts sway one way or the other.  Sometimes I think he would stick around – others, the mere thought seems foolish.  Either way, I realize I should probably skip my last venti, but will never quit jotting down the remnants of my dreams.

Dreams, Ghosts, and a Little Too Much Starbucks

Jun19

Religion and Lemons

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Not too long ago – on good old g-chat – I was reminded of my first trip to Southern California.  This is something I was able to experience because my father commutes between the East and West coast for work.  Now there are so many things that I love about this area and I’m tempted to rehash the entire trip – however – I won’t.  Two things happened on that particular trip that will remain with me for the rest of my life.  For that reason, I am sharing them with you.

For the majority of the trek, I was with a modest group of six occasionally picking up or losing a person along the way.  One member insisted that we make a specific stop by the Anza-Borrego Desert State Park.  Our trip, strategically planned of course, was during the one time of year that the Ocotillo Cactus was supposed to be in full bloom (an apparent rare must-see).

Now being able to make some recommendations to you – if you are ever in this park, one thing you must do is go on a hike.  Just trust me.  In my opinion, this park is a prime example of why California is one of the world’s great wonders.  At the base of the trail, it may be nearly 80 degrees and by the time you reach your summit the earth is crisp beneath your feet because the temperature has dropped to a freezing 30 degrees.  Because California is so expansive the terrain is pretty diverse ranging from lush greens to desert – Southern CA being the desert portion.  I’m drawn to the desert not only because it’s beautiful but also because it’s so different from where I grew up (in upstate New York) and also from where I live now in New York City.

The night before our hike, we cooked out at a family friends weekend home not too far from the park and discussed a list of must-sees for the next day.  The borregos (or rams) of course, the ocotillo cactus and their flowers, the “white angel” marking in the canyon (which I will explain in a moment), and the oasis!  After talking all night about the packed day ahead of us – we could hardly sleep.

In the morning we took a short drive to a cute diner for breakfast.  On the way, I couldn’t get over how drenched the air was with the most amazing smells, each surpassing the one before it (if that was even possible!).  Rosemary lined the restaurant as hedging instead of your average evergreen.  Now, this is not common in New York and extremely exciting to a city girl, so I grabbed a few sprigs, wrapped them in a cloth to dry and saved them for later use.  We gobbled down our breakfast, hopped in our car and were en-route to the park but the smells kept coming.  Even though we were in the desert the scenery was beautiful and not what I had originally expected.  We passed fields and fields of citrus trees.  As we motored down the streets, the sweet smell of lemons and oranges flooded into the car.  This was moment number one for me.  I spun around in my seat and grabbed firmly onto the headrest behind me.  To this day, I can still remember squinting to see through the dust our car was tossing into the air… look at all those LEMONS!

“STOP!”  I actually yelled out loud in the car!  I had startled my father who was driving and he slowly pulled over to the side of the road.  ”Can we pick those???”  Our friends who we were following (and were the locals) also slowed down and stopped their car because they noticed we had pulled over.  We all collectively decided that no one would notice if we picked a handful and headed on our way.  (Yes, I know this was probably a bad thing we did… but it was oh, so amazing!)  I got out of the car, paused, and took the deepest breath I could.

This was the best smell I had ever experienced in my entire life.  I looked up and there was not one single cloud in the sky at that moment – it was perfect.  My face was catching the sunlight and it felt warm against my skin.  I felt so – happy.  That was what joy felt like.

I was quick with the lemons, after all I was taking them from the side of the road and this could be a tricky situation.  I dove back into the car and back towards the park we went.  Now it was time to see the ocotillo.  I do admit, they were beautiful.  This is also the portion of the trip where we saw the “white angel”, which is also note-worthy.  The story goes, the settlers used to use the “white angel” (which is just a marking on the rocks in this part of the canyon) as a guide when they were passing through.  I think that’s kind of beautiful.  I did see the marking – though I struggled to make the connection between the shape of the marking and an angel – I still like the story.  Now finally, we continued on our hike through the park.  Borregos – Check.  Photo documentation – Check.  Final destination - the oasis.

 

There are several different trails that you can take through the park depending on how far you want to hike and your experience level, we chose an intermediate level trail that was mostly following along small streams.  This was great fun for me because there were TONS of opportunities for great pictures!  My favorite picture actually took some hunting – because I had to follow “the noise” to find my subjects.  I could hear running water and I could hear a faint croaking – but I had no idea where it was coming from.  I would move closer to the water but the movement of the stream would drown out the noise I was searching for.  Back and forth, I searched and searched for a solid 15 minutes.

Starting to become frustrated, I began to climb over, under, and around boulders looking for the source of this noise – and FINALLY I found it.  There were dozens of tiny little frogs!  They were so adorable.  I know, not a word most people would use to describe frogs, but I loved them.  They were tiny and loud and piled on top of each other… wonderful.  I felt like I had discovered something magical.  I also knew that they were huddling near the water.  The stream we had been following was getting bigger, which meant that we were getting close to the oasis.  We hiked for probably another 45 minutes before we finally reached it.

Getting to the oasis in the middle of the desert was my second “moment”.  The land surrounding you is dry, barren, and uncomfortably hot – but once you’re inside you’re in a totally different world.  It’s cooler, there are lush palm trees, pools of water – it’s truly amazing.  The endorphin kick from the hike is in full swing and you’re completely isolated to reflect in one of the world’s most beautiful places.  It’s like finding your religion.

 

Life doesn’t get much better than that.  

Jun14

Little (or BIG) Voices in Your Head

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Have you ever heard the phrase “I need to hear myself think!”? 

When you’re so inside your head, what does thinking sound like?  Is it the same voice that you speak with?  Does it sound like anything at all?  Having a strong voice is important and something that I cannot emphasize enough.  I find that I think, like I talk, like I write.

Socially, people are drawn to others with a “strong voice”.  By strong here – I DO NOT necessarily mean loud or yelling, but instead confident, charismatic, and dynamic.  Have you ever wondered what makes people special?  It isn’t the clothes they wear or the way they look.  Some people are just magnetic and I find them especially fascinating.  They speak and move with confidence.  So where, oh where, does this confidence come from?  I believe that it comes from trusting your own “voice”.

Words like gut, intuition, and conscience are thrown around a lot; so much that it’s becoming hard to decipher the real meaning behind them.  For writers like myself, I think these things come in the form of an actual voice.  The key here is to be able to listen to yourself and make decisive decisions.  The more closely you listen, the stronger and clearer the voice becomes.  When writing, it becomes easier and easier to regurgitate your thought process: what you are thinking, what your ideas are, and even what you want to do.

So what makes a good writer then?  I read for two different reasons: to be entertained and to learn.  Now if both of these things can happen at once – well, that’s magic.  However, I’m happy if I am getting one or the other.  If I’m bored, if the prose is difficult, or if I’ve seen it before – I move.  Plain and simple.

Though not an entirely new concept I’m intrigued by the idea of “attention fragmentation” and “intertextuality”.  I’ve read two different articles recently that address these ideas but each in a different way.  The first is a piece by Ewan Morrison called Factual fiction: writing in an information age.  Basically he discusses the blending of fact and fiction in writing and suggests that we are creating a new genre to use “factions” creating viral super-stories.  Morrison bases his theory on the idea that these factions are a direct result of the way that we find and process information.  Googling while texting, while emailing, while checking out a news feed… you see where I’m going with this?   The second article is called Recovering from information overload and written by Derek Dean and Caroline Webb.   Here I found two striking suggestions:  that we use multitasking as a coping mechanism and that, again, because of the ease of access in the digital age we overindulge in information.  

How many times have you either bragged OR felt bad that you were/weren’t a good multitasker?  Mastering the ability to proverbially juggle everything on your plate all at once is something that we seem to strive for.  What a revolutionary idea that multitasking can actually be bad.  Yes – you were walking, checking your email, taking out the garbage, grabbing the snail mail, drinking a coffee, and listening to a friend tell you all about “work problems” all at the same time. Check, check, and check.  Dean and Webb point out the biggies on your list that take time and concentration to be done right are probably… still on your list (even though you just checked off six of your menial tasks).

So what’s my point?  I enjoyed these articles because they were relevant, well written, and thought-provoking.  So how does this relate to “the voice” and writing?  You have GREAT ideas and you want to (dare I say… NEED to) share them.  The most compelling and EASY TO READ articles are those with a clear voice conveying its message.  Look at some of your favorite text and ask yourself – is it consistent and does the writer know what he/she is trying to say?

Now here is where my articles come in.  Honing your internal monologue takes hard work, just like nowadays turning off your phone takes an enormous amount self-control because you have to stop and focus all your attention on one thing at a time.  How can you communicate with yourself if you have 10 different voices screaming at you all at once?  Think of fragmented thoughts like static on the radio and you are struggling over the unpleasant noise to hear your favorite song.  When the distraction of the static falls away you are left with nothing but a beautiful tune.  In this case its YOUR thoughts and YOUR voice coming though clearly.

At this point I can actually hear my own voice when I think and especially when I write.  If it isn’t something that I would say out loud, I don’t write it that way.  This (fingers crossed) makes what I’m writing easy to read.  The words become fluid.  Fluid, interesting and natural draws people in.  Life is hard enough as it is – no one wants an unnecessary struggle.

So please take notes from yourself and share with the rest of us – they’re probably great.  Odds are you’ve been ignoring yourself  for quite a while.  Who ever said hearing voices in your head was a bad thing? 

Jun13

This One’s for the Ladies.

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You know you’ve done it.  Alone in your darkest moment, or gushing with your friends you’ve yearned for the fantasy land that a TV show or movie has to offer; but the stark contrast between the types of fairy tales we chase could leave anyone’s head spinning.

Admittedly, I love the gritty-sexy world of Carrie Bradshaw however in reality I know that spending all my money on Manolo’s, storing sweaters in my oven, and throwing my life away to cigarettes and one night stands probably isn’t the way to go.

So what DO we want?

Many of us have trouble deciding what’s for dinner let alone what we would like to satisfy us for the rest of our lives.  I think this is why so many turn to romantic comedies for guidance or use “personal experience” and what we don’t want to influence our decision-making.

The biggest flaw that I see with looking to “media” for insight into relationships is that the small, mundane moments are missing.  You see grandiose gestures and over-the-top courtships.  Have you noticed that movies usually end when the main characters fall in love?  In real life, that’s when things are just getting started.  Then the reality sets in that 3, 5, 10 years from now sitting and drinking coffee basking in one another’s presence may not be as exciting.  For example, he will still lick his fingers EVERY TIME he turns the page of the newspaper and she will still clear her throat exactly ten times after burning her throat on her first sip (never learning her lesson…).

What I’ve noticed through observation is the inequity in the expectations for men and women in relationships.   Freedoms, allowances, commitment, effort – what roles does and/or should each partner play?  I believe in my heart it should be 50/50, but is this realistic?  The thought of a 50/50 partnership being idealistic makes me sick to my stomach.

If there could be one common complaint among all my girls it would be that we wish the old-fashioned values were in more frequent circulation.  Ahem… gentlemen – chivalry is NOT dead.    Please hold the door, please take us on real dates, please actually CALL (and no… you do not seem desperate if you call the next day, your 3 day rule is WHACK).  We don’t realistically expect you to make the climactic Dirty Dancing moment happen (you know – girl lifted over guys head and spinning all around) but flowers and holding hands used to be a big deal!  Ladies, if I hear one more time:  ”if he isn’t ‘pursuing me’ then I am going to lose interest.”  What are you doing to reciprocate?  A guy can only take so much, and he is NOT a mind reader.  Heck – even when you are giving specific instructions, he will probably mess up (no offense).  ”Honey, please bring me home 10 lemons from the grocery store!”  You get 3 lemons.  You like us but don’t call.  We like you but play hard-to-get.  I admit leaving something to the imagination is a good idea – but how did our games get so out of control?

Even worse – we have created a space for ourselves where, even when we know, we can’t say what we really want.  So comes the jealousy, distrust, fear, and insecurity.

“Where were you honey?”

“Out.”  Of course leaving room for “mystery” but the other things they are sneaking around or hiding something – otherwise, why couldn’t you just say where you were?

So, what DO we want?  What do we want?  WHAT DO WE WANT?

I’ll tell you what I want.  Of course I only know on a very basic level – but there are some things that are written in stone and that will never change.  Respect and equality (of course easier said than done).  Like friends, you look for someone who will accept you, not embarrass you beyond repair, and who will take care of you.  Please oh please make the rom-com stop toying with our emotions.

For better or for worse I’m fascinated with relationships.  Parent-child, friends, romantic, acquaintances…  I love to listen, experience, and reflect.  If you believe you have some valuable relationship advice – PLEASE write to me, I would love to hear what you have to say!

 

jill.says.scribble@gmail.com

Jun8

Seeing the Light

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(Photo taken: Cape Byron, Australia)

It’s been a while, not since deep introspection, but since the moment of clarity.  The thing that I – we – are all chasing after.

Where am I going?

What am I doing?

When will it all make sense?

To that end, you must then ask – does it really matter?  We all know that we can’t breathe with our head held under water, so what makes us assume that we can think straight with these kinds of thoughts spinning around our heads…

I used to have a 5 year plan.  This plan was to “keep me on track” in my own life.  To help me keep sight of my career goals, family goals, personal goals…  Who did I want to be at 25, 30, 35, 40?  When I was a teenager, giving my self a couple of years buffer to get started…  I wanted to meet the man of my dreams by the time I was 25, date for a couple of years and be married by the time I was 27, be married for a year and a half to 2 years and have my first baby before 30.  All the while building a tremendous career that was both satisfying and brought home big bank.  Let’s just say that I’m behind schedule.

So what’s most important here?  The time frame?  The destination?  The journey?  You could argue a case for each one.  Hurry up and get everything you want so you can enjoy them longer.  But should you?  People who have everything, have everything to lose.  As long as you reach your final destination it doesn’t matter how you got there.  So should you cheat your way to the top or does integrity still mean something in this world?  Or like so many say, “it isn’t about the destination at all but the journey.”  That winding road that leads you there will offer you many smaller destinations along the way, not to mention the all important company.  I read recently that those who chose to suffer through life alone are not only lonely but harbor detrimental side effects to their health.  So much so that severe loneliness creates the same impact to the body as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (almost a pack a day!).  Does this change your view: time frame, destination, journey?

There are few people in my life that are what I would call constants.  People who love me for who I am; people who don’t judge me, take care of me when I need it, and have seen me at both my best and worst.  The few that I have found seem to have seen me – more often than not – at my worst, searching constantly for what seems to be a nonexistent place of inner peace.  Before you find that place of calm, or at least instead of continually chasing after it, perhaps we should look at what is causing the chaos.  What ruffles our feathers, shoves us off-balance, makes our stomachs twist and takes our emotions on a daily roller coaster ride?  What chaos do you want to keep, and what can you cut out?  (You could never EVER cut out my constants.)

To answer my own question – I chose the journey, though I do feel the pressure of time and destination now and then.  I gave my 5 year plan the boot because it left no room for human error, and after all… I am human. Most importantly when I stop running, furiously, and take a moment to pull my head above water – I am able to find them… my moments of clarity.